Into the fourth week of the fast. It is the toughest, not because of the things that I have given up, but because life threw a great big rock at me on Friday. Of course I gave it to God, took it back ten minutes later. Gave it back to God. Took it back... over and over and over. Asking Him how to face this, then stating I couldn't take anymore disappointments and hurt. Anger, pain, tears, desperation for the future problems that would have to arise were all I could feel.
Everyone has rocks thrown at them. I was helping at the church's outreach to the homeless on Saturday and witnessed the people who have been struggling in ways I can only imagine. Cold and hungry and sleeping in the woods. Carrying their worldly possessions in a backpack. That should be enough to humble a person, but nope, my heart still struggled with the pain and the anger. The next day, my husband and I went to see a person I love very much. I did not want to share my pain with her. I smiled and loved on her and her teenage girl and just took in the love they gave to us. I actually was feeling happy. Then she shared her story with me. She cried as she told me. She was telling me the exact same story I could have told her and sadly a lot more. She was so hurt and angry and with every reason to be.
It took a while to sink in, but I just tried to support her and tell her that I loved her. I told her to not worry too much about things she had no control over. To choose to be happy over sad. Then it hit me. God showed me that I could handle my situation. I will cry, I will hurt, and I will deal with it. He answered my prayer within 48 hours, by having me comfort someone else.
I briefly contemplated ending the fast a week early, cause life is so unfair. Why was I not being rewarded for my sacrifice? lol. Oh my, I was forgetting that it is not about me, it is about Him. Despite my selfish concerns, I was rewarded. He gave me the strength and the clarity to do what needs to be done, to stop feeling so desperate, to stop feeling the intense anger, and to continue the fast. I will continue to hurt and probably feel angry as circumstances evolve, but it will be much less dramatic.
He takes care of His children with such tender love. In the end, it always comes down to love.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Friendships
I lost a dear friend last month. She loved me as I was and never expected me to be anyone other than who I was. I probably disappointed her every once in a while since she treated me like a daughter and wanted me to be happy. We always are disappointed when our children pick paths that will not lead to happiness. She watched me pick many such paths, but she loved me even though I was not blood. She extended that love to many people, including my children.
I have made many friends in this lifetime. Some more close than other. All essential. That is a blessing that God bestowed on me and it has kept me sane and alive in many dark times. But sometimes, those friendships can be painful.
Today, I asked someone to lunch and it turned into a painful experience. Turns out that she was upset with me. I had apparently not paid attention to her during an activity at church and she thought I was "mad at" her. Apparently, I also did not acknowledge two Christmas e cards that she had sent to me.
It is very possible I may have not paid a lot of attention to her that day for many different reasons, I do not remember, but I know for sure it had nothing to do with being mad at her. I was not. I did not acknowledge the e cards because I never received any from her. I probably would not have acknowledged them anyway, I delete anything that has a link to open. I probably get close to a hundred emails daily, including much junk/trash so I do not worry about that anymore. Go in every so often and delete, delete, delete. That's life on the internet these days.
Two things happened, I apologized and explained that it was not intentional. The day she was worried about was not a social occasion it was a working event and she was paired up with someone else in another room. I did want to hurt her any further and just apologized for not paying more attention to her. Next, she kept insisting that because she thought I was mad at her that I was also being cool to her after that. When I tried to explain that there was no basis for that since I was not mad at her, she went ahead and forgave me. Then I was hurt. If I had not been mad at her why did I need to be forgiven. Oh my, this is starting to get out of hand. Now I am mad at her for forgiving me for something, I felt I didn't do.
Of course there is a lot more to all of this. But it would just get boring to go into every little detail and complicate it even more. Long story a bit shorter, we did not set a day to go to lunch. I left with a sad and guilt-ladened heart.
Afterwards, as I reviewed all that was said, I remembered she felt that as Christians we should not bring troubles to church. Never was my intention, I wanted to go to lunch with her. She never used the words "as friends" only "as Christians" and I started to think that maybe we are not friends, just Christians. My friends have access to a place in my heart that is special. Not all Christians are my friends, not all of my friends are Christians. Not everyone gets let in to that special place. If I open that door and am hurt, I automatically pull back to avoid further pain. I am not even sure if she thinks of us as friends, I know I do. I love her as a friend and as a Christian.
Right now, I do not know where this is going. I am going to put it into My Father's hands and try to be less emotional and let it heal. In the end it is all about love.
I have made many friends in this lifetime. Some more close than other. All essential. That is a blessing that God bestowed on me and it has kept me sane and alive in many dark times. But sometimes, those friendships can be painful.
Today, I asked someone to lunch and it turned into a painful experience. Turns out that she was upset with me. I had apparently not paid attention to her during an activity at church and she thought I was "mad at" her. Apparently, I also did not acknowledge two Christmas e cards that she had sent to me.
It is very possible I may have not paid a lot of attention to her that day for many different reasons, I do not remember, but I know for sure it had nothing to do with being mad at her. I was not. I did not acknowledge the e cards because I never received any from her. I probably would not have acknowledged them anyway, I delete anything that has a link to open. I probably get close to a hundred emails daily, including much junk/trash so I do not worry about that anymore. Go in every so often and delete, delete, delete. That's life on the internet these days.
Two things happened, I apologized and explained that it was not intentional. The day she was worried about was not a social occasion it was a working event and she was paired up with someone else in another room. I did want to hurt her any further and just apologized for not paying more attention to her. Next, she kept insisting that because she thought I was mad at her that I was also being cool to her after that. When I tried to explain that there was no basis for that since I was not mad at her, she went ahead and forgave me. Then I was hurt. If I had not been mad at her why did I need to be forgiven. Oh my, this is starting to get out of hand. Now I am mad at her for forgiving me for something, I felt I didn't do.
Of course there is a lot more to all of this. But it would just get boring to go into every little detail and complicate it even more. Long story a bit shorter, we did not set a day to go to lunch. I left with a sad and guilt-ladened heart.
Afterwards, as I reviewed all that was said, I remembered she felt that as Christians we should not bring troubles to church. Never was my intention, I wanted to go to lunch with her. She never used the words "as friends" only "as Christians" and I started to think that maybe we are not friends, just Christians. My friends have access to a place in my heart that is special. Not all Christians are my friends, not all of my friends are Christians. Not everyone gets let in to that special place. If I open that door and am hurt, I automatically pull back to avoid further pain. I am not even sure if she thinks of us as friends, I know I do. I love her as a friend and as a Christian.
Right now, I do not know where this is going. I am going to put it into My Father's hands and try to be less emotional and let it heal. In the end it is all about love.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Fasting. Bowing before our Lord in humility.
Fasting means different things to different people. Giving up food and drink and restricting other activities and increasing your personal prayer and worship time with God are some of the things that happen in fasts. Basically, I am bringing my spiritual demeanor to a bowing position. Trying to humble myself before Him and trying to be less distracted and involved with the worldly things that do not profit us.
Since I am an insulin dependent diabetic, I deem it dangerous to go overboard and only give up some food and drink. On the other hand, I give up one of my shameful passions, playing computer based games. For me, it falls into the same category as smoking cigarettes or watching movies full of cuss words, violence, and sexual deviancy... unhealthy and ungodly. I try not to "miss" it too much, try not to think about it at all, but it sneaks in. I also do not spend money on anything personal except absolute necessities for the food pantry and the occasional expense for other peoples needs and tithing. Truly, not even a sacrifice this time around.
I have dedicated this fast to the healing of my grand daughter who has a dependency problem. She desperately needs salvation. I also am dedicating it to the salvation of my extended family. I would love the pleasure of hearing them praise the Lord. Especially, my dearly beloved husband.
I have been led to the book of Hebrews, and it has placed wonderful understanding of who we are to God and who Jesus is to God and who Jesus is to us. I see our closeness in a different light. Jesus obeyed God with no hesitation even when He knew that He was going to be killed in such a heinous, painful, shameful way. Even knowing that those whom he had taught and selected and loved would turn from Him, deny Him, and betray Him for gold, He obeyed God. I shall chase that same obedient mindset.
God wants us to be happy, healthy, loving creatures and only asks that we love Him and love each other. It always leads back to love.
Since I am an insulin dependent diabetic, I deem it dangerous to go overboard and only give up some food and drink. On the other hand, I give up one of my shameful passions, playing computer based games. For me, it falls into the same category as smoking cigarettes or watching movies full of cuss words, violence, and sexual deviancy... unhealthy and ungodly. I try not to "miss" it too much, try not to think about it at all, but it sneaks in. I also do not spend money on anything personal except absolute necessities for the food pantry and the occasional expense for other peoples needs and tithing. Truly, not even a sacrifice this time around.
I have dedicated this fast to the healing of my grand daughter who has a dependency problem. She desperately needs salvation. I also am dedicating it to the salvation of my extended family. I would love the pleasure of hearing them praise the Lord. Especially, my dearly beloved husband.
I have been led to the book of Hebrews, and it has placed wonderful understanding of who we are to God and who Jesus is to God and who Jesus is to us. I see our closeness in a different light. Jesus obeyed God with no hesitation even when He knew that He was going to be killed in such a heinous, painful, shameful way. Even knowing that those whom he had taught and selected and loved would turn from Him, deny Him, and betray Him for gold, He obeyed God. I shall chase that same obedient mindset.
God wants us to be happy, healthy, loving creatures and only asks that we love Him and love each other. It always leads back to love.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
2011 A New Year with Infinite Possibilities
First, I must thank the Almighty for all the wonderful things that this family enjoyed in 2010. Despite a declining economy, we suffered no personal financial devastation. We were blessed financially, if anything. He promises us that if we tithe faithfully and joyfully, we will feel the reward.
By the same token, we lost a dear, sweet friend last week. She had a good long life. Has beautiful children, grand children, and great grand children who will never forget the loving and giving woman she was. I thank God that He put her into my life when I needed to be taught about selfless love. There were family dramas that hurt and precious family moments that make it all okay. The good outweighed the bad many times over. It was a good year. Thank you Father.
The theme for 2011 at church is "Greater Things" in 2011. That is a good theme. Uplifting for those who had a hard year. Greater things however cannot be measured by how much we gain financially. It must mean more than attaining earthly comforts.
Each year has been greater for me since I accepted Jesus as my savior. Each step in my journey that leads me towards the completion of my role in God's Plan brings me unmeasurable joy, peace, and comfort. Learning to care about others like never before was my happiest accomplishment in 2010. It is not even close to what it should be yet, but I already feel the changes in my core beliefs.
The world is now more beautiful when I look at the trees and oceans and clouds. The struggles of those around me touch my heart more deeply. I see the crime, cruelty, hate, despair and fear and understand that my place is not in this world, that my place is in the Kingdom. Happiness can only come from a loving place, not from the worldly pleasures that we too often equate with success.
So I too declare that 2011 will be a greater year. I pray and expect that my family and friends will become more acquainted with the goodness, love, mercy, and comfort that come with a personal relationship with God. I anticipate more love and kindness will surround my life. Happy New Year 2011.
Each day it becomes clearer that it is all about love.
HALLELUJAH, JEHOVA. S'AGAPO POLI XRISTO. :D
By the same token, we lost a dear, sweet friend last week. She had a good long life. Has beautiful children, grand children, and great grand children who will never forget the loving and giving woman she was. I thank God that He put her into my life when I needed to be taught about selfless love. There were family dramas that hurt and precious family moments that make it all okay. The good outweighed the bad many times over. It was a good year. Thank you Father.
The theme for 2011 at church is "Greater Things" in 2011. That is a good theme. Uplifting for those who had a hard year. Greater things however cannot be measured by how much we gain financially. It must mean more than attaining earthly comforts.
Each year has been greater for me since I accepted Jesus as my savior. Each step in my journey that leads me towards the completion of my role in God's Plan brings me unmeasurable joy, peace, and comfort. Learning to care about others like never before was my happiest accomplishment in 2010. It is not even close to what it should be yet, but I already feel the changes in my core beliefs.
The world is now more beautiful when I look at the trees and oceans and clouds. The struggles of those around me touch my heart more deeply. I see the crime, cruelty, hate, despair and fear and understand that my place is not in this world, that my place is in the Kingdom. Happiness can only come from a loving place, not from the worldly pleasures that we too often equate with success.
So I too declare that 2011 will be a greater year. I pray and expect that my family and friends will become more acquainted with the goodness, love, mercy, and comfort that come with a personal relationship with God. I anticipate more love and kindness will surround my life. Happy New Year 2011.
Each day it becomes clearer that it is all about love.
HALLELUJAH, JEHOVA. S'AGAPO POLI XRISTO. :D
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