Into the fourth week of the fast. It is the toughest, not because of the things that I have given up, but because life threw a great big rock at me on Friday. Of course I gave it to God, took it back ten minutes later. Gave it back to God. Took it back... over and over and over. Asking Him how to face this, then stating I couldn't take anymore disappointments and hurt. Anger, pain, tears, desperation for the future problems that would have to arise were all I could feel.
Everyone has rocks thrown at them. I was helping at the church's outreach to the homeless on Saturday and witnessed the people who have been struggling in ways I can only imagine. Cold and hungry and sleeping in the woods. Carrying their worldly possessions in a backpack. That should be enough to humble a person, but nope, my heart still struggled with the pain and the anger. The next day, my husband and I went to see a person I love very much. I did not want to share my pain with her. I smiled and loved on her and her teenage girl and just took in the love they gave to us. I actually was feeling happy. Then she shared her story with me. She cried as she told me. She was telling me the exact same story I could have told her and sadly a lot more. She was so hurt and angry and with every reason to be.
It took a while to sink in, but I just tried to support her and tell her that I loved her. I told her to not worry too much about things she had no control over. To choose to be happy over sad. Then it hit me. God showed me that I could handle my situation. I will cry, I will hurt, and I will deal with it. He answered my prayer within 48 hours, by having me comfort someone else.
I briefly contemplated ending the fast a week early, cause life is so unfair. Why was I not being rewarded for my sacrifice? lol. Oh my, I was forgetting that it is not about me, it is about Him. Despite my selfish concerns, I was rewarded. He gave me the strength and the clarity to do what needs to be done, to stop feeling so desperate, to stop feeling the intense anger, and to continue the fast. I will continue to hurt and probably feel angry as circumstances evolve, but it will be much less dramatic.
He takes care of His children with such tender love. In the end, it always comes down to love.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Friendships
I lost a dear friend last month. She loved me as I was and never expected me to be anyone other than who I was. I probably disappointed her every once in a while since she treated me like a daughter and wanted me to be happy. We always are disappointed when our children pick paths that will not lead to happiness. She watched me pick many such paths, but she loved me even though I was not blood. She extended that love to many people, including my children.
I have made many friends in this lifetime. Some more close than other. All essential. That is a blessing that God bestowed on me and it has kept me sane and alive in many dark times. But sometimes, those friendships can be painful.
Today, I asked someone to lunch and it turned into a painful experience. Turns out that she was upset with me. I had apparently not paid attention to her during an activity at church and she thought I was "mad at" her. Apparently, I also did not acknowledge two Christmas e cards that she had sent to me.
It is very possible I may have not paid a lot of attention to her that day for many different reasons, I do not remember, but I know for sure it had nothing to do with being mad at her. I was not. I did not acknowledge the e cards because I never received any from her. I probably would not have acknowledged them anyway, I delete anything that has a link to open. I probably get close to a hundred emails daily, including much junk/trash so I do not worry about that anymore. Go in every so often and delete, delete, delete. That's life on the internet these days.
Two things happened, I apologized and explained that it was not intentional. The day she was worried about was not a social occasion it was a working event and she was paired up with someone else in another room. I did want to hurt her any further and just apologized for not paying more attention to her. Next, she kept insisting that because she thought I was mad at her that I was also being cool to her after that. When I tried to explain that there was no basis for that since I was not mad at her, she went ahead and forgave me. Then I was hurt. If I had not been mad at her why did I need to be forgiven. Oh my, this is starting to get out of hand. Now I am mad at her for forgiving me for something, I felt I didn't do.
Of course there is a lot more to all of this. But it would just get boring to go into every little detail and complicate it even more. Long story a bit shorter, we did not set a day to go to lunch. I left with a sad and guilt-ladened heart.
Afterwards, as I reviewed all that was said, I remembered she felt that as Christians we should not bring troubles to church. Never was my intention, I wanted to go to lunch with her. She never used the words "as friends" only "as Christians" and I started to think that maybe we are not friends, just Christians. My friends have access to a place in my heart that is special. Not all Christians are my friends, not all of my friends are Christians. Not everyone gets let in to that special place. If I open that door and am hurt, I automatically pull back to avoid further pain. I am not even sure if she thinks of us as friends, I know I do. I love her as a friend and as a Christian.
Right now, I do not know where this is going. I am going to put it into My Father's hands and try to be less emotional and let it heal. In the end it is all about love.
I have made many friends in this lifetime. Some more close than other. All essential. That is a blessing that God bestowed on me and it has kept me sane and alive in many dark times. But sometimes, those friendships can be painful.
Today, I asked someone to lunch and it turned into a painful experience. Turns out that she was upset with me. I had apparently not paid attention to her during an activity at church and she thought I was "mad at" her. Apparently, I also did not acknowledge two Christmas e cards that she had sent to me.
It is very possible I may have not paid a lot of attention to her that day for many different reasons, I do not remember, but I know for sure it had nothing to do with being mad at her. I was not. I did not acknowledge the e cards because I never received any from her. I probably would not have acknowledged them anyway, I delete anything that has a link to open. I probably get close to a hundred emails daily, including much junk/trash so I do not worry about that anymore. Go in every so often and delete, delete, delete. That's life on the internet these days.
Two things happened, I apologized and explained that it was not intentional. The day she was worried about was not a social occasion it was a working event and she was paired up with someone else in another room. I did want to hurt her any further and just apologized for not paying more attention to her. Next, she kept insisting that because she thought I was mad at her that I was also being cool to her after that. When I tried to explain that there was no basis for that since I was not mad at her, she went ahead and forgave me. Then I was hurt. If I had not been mad at her why did I need to be forgiven. Oh my, this is starting to get out of hand. Now I am mad at her for forgiving me for something, I felt I didn't do.
Of course there is a lot more to all of this. But it would just get boring to go into every little detail and complicate it even more. Long story a bit shorter, we did not set a day to go to lunch. I left with a sad and guilt-ladened heart.
Afterwards, as I reviewed all that was said, I remembered she felt that as Christians we should not bring troubles to church. Never was my intention, I wanted to go to lunch with her. She never used the words "as friends" only "as Christians" and I started to think that maybe we are not friends, just Christians. My friends have access to a place in my heart that is special. Not all Christians are my friends, not all of my friends are Christians. Not everyone gets let in to that special place. If I open that door and am hurt, I automatically pull back to avoid further pain. I am not even sure if she thinks of us as friends, I know I do. I love her as a friend and as a Christian.
Right now, I do not know where this is going. I am going to put it into My Father's hands and try to be less emotional and let it heal. In the end it is all about love.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Fasting. Bowing before our Lord in humility.
Fasting means different things to different people. Giving up food and drink and restricting other activities and increasing your personal prayer and worship time with God are some of the things that happen in fasts. Basically, I am bringing my spiritual demeanor to a bowing position. Trying to humble myself before Him and trying to be less distracted and involved with the worldly things that do not profit us.
Since I am an insulin dependent diabetic, I deem it dangerous to go overboard and only give up some food and drink. On the other hand, I give up one of my shameful passions, playing computer based games. For me, it falls into the same category as smoking cigarettes or watching movies full of cuss words, violence, and sexual deviancy... unhealthy and ungodly. I try not to "miss" it too much, try not to think about it at all, but it sneaks in. I also do not spend money on anything personal except absolute necessities for the food pantry and the occasional expense for other peoples needs and tithing. Truly, not even a sacrifice this time around.
I have dedicated this fast to the healing of my grand daughter who has a dependency problem. She desperately needs salvation. I also am dedicating it to the salvation of my extended family. I would love the pleasure of hearing them praise the Lord. Especially, my dearly beloved husband.
I have been led to the book of Hebrews, and it has placed wonderful understanding of who we are to God and who Jesus is to God and who Jesus is to us. I see our closeness in a different light. Jesus obeyed God with no hesitation even when He knew that He was going to be killed in such a heinous, painful, shameful way. Even knowing that those whom he had taught and selected and loved would turn from Him, deny Him, and betray Him for gold, He obeyed God. I shall chase that same obedient mindset.
God wants us to be happy, healthy, loving creatures and only asks that we love Him and love each other. It always leads back to love.
Since I am an insulin dependent diabetic, I deem it dangerous to go overboard and only give up some food and drink. On the other hand, I give up one of my shameful passions, playing computer based games. For me, it falls into the same category as smoking cigarettes or watching movies full of cuss words, violence, and sexual deviancy... unhealthy and ungodly. I try not to "miss" it too much, try not to think about it at all, but it sneaks in. I also do not spend money on anything personal except absolute necessities for the food pantry and the occasional expense for other peoples needs and tithing. Truly, not even a sacrifice this time around.
I have dedicated this fast to the healing of my grand daughter who has a dependency problem. She desperately needs salvation. I also am dedicating it to the salvation of my extended family. I would love the pleasure of hearing them praise the Lord. Especially, my dearly beloved husband.
I have been led to the book of Hebrews, and it has placed wonderful understanding of who we are to God and who Jesus is to God and who Jesus is to us. I see our closeness in a different light. Jesus obeyed God with no hesitation even when He knew that He was going to be killed in such a heinous, painful, shameful way. Even knowing that those whom he had taught and selected and loved would turn from Him, deny Him, and betray Him for gold, He obeyed God. I shall chase that same obedient mindset.
God wants us to be happy, healthy, loving creatures and only asks that we love Him and love each other. It always leads back to love.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
2011 A New Year with Infinite Possibilities
First, I must thank the Almighty for all the wonderful things that this family enjoyed in 2010. Despite a declining economy, we suffered no personal financial devastation. We were blessed financially, if anything. He promises us that if we tithe faithfully and joyfully, we will feel the reward.
By the same token, we lost a dear, sweet friend last week. She had a good long life. Has beautiful children, grand children, and great grand children who will never forget the loving and giving woman she was. I thank God that He put her into my life when I needed to be taught about selfless love. There were family dramas that hurt and precious family moments that make it all okay. The good outweighed the bad many times over. It was a good year. Thank you Father.
The theme for 2011 at church is "Greater Things" in 2011. That is a good theme. Uplifting for those who had a hard year. Greater things however cannot be measured by how much we gain financially. It must mean more than attaining earthly comforts.
Each year has been greater for me since I accepted Jesus as my savior. Each step in my journey that leads me towards the completion of my role in God's Plan brings me unmeasurable joy, peace, and comfort. Learning to care about others like never before was my happiest accomplishment in 2010. It is not even close to what it should be yet, but I already feel the changes in my core beliefs.
The world is now more beautiful when I look at the trees and oceans and clouds. The struggles of those around me touch my heart more deeply. I see the crime, cruelty, hate, despair and fear and understand that my place is not in this world, that my place is in the Kingdom. Happiness can only come from a loving place, not from the worldly pleasures that we too often equate with success.
So I too declare that 2011 will be a greater year. I pray and expect that my family and friends will become more acquainted with the goodness, love, mercy, and comfort that come with a personal relationship with God. I anticipate more love and kindness will surround my life. Happy New Year 2011.
Each day it becomes clearer that it is all about love.
HALLELUJAH, JEHOVA. S'AGAPO POLI XRISTO. :D
By the same token, we lost a dear, sweet friend last week. She had a good long life. Has beautiful children, grand children, and great grand children who will never forget the loving and giving woman she was. I thank God that He put her into my life when I needed to be taught about selfless love. There were family dramas that hurt and precious family moments that make it all okay. The good outweighed the bad many times over. It was a good year. Thank you Father.
The theme for 2011 at church is "Greater Things" in 2011. That is a good theme. Uplifting for those who had a hard year. Greater things however cannot be measured by how much we gain financially. It must mean more than attaining earthly comforts.
Each year has been greater for me since I accepted Jesus as my savior. Each step in my journey that leads me towards the completion of my role in God's Plan brings me unmeasurable joy, peace, and comfort. Learning to care about others like never before was my happiest accomplishment in 2010. It is not even close to what it should be yet, but I already feel the changes in my core beliefs.
The world is now more beautiful when I look at the trees and oceans and clouds. The struggles of those around me touch my heart more deeply. I see the crime, cruelty, hate, despair and fear and understand that my place is not in this world, that my place is in the Kingdom. Happiness can only come from a loving place, not from the worldly pleasures that we too often equate with success.
So I too declare that 2011 will be a greater year. I pray and expect that my family and friends will become more acquainted with the goodness, love, mercy, and comfort that come with a personal relationship with God. I anticipate more love and kindness will surround my life. Happy New Year 2011.
Each day it becomes clearer that it is all about love.
HALLELUJAH, JEHOVA. S'AGAPO POLI XRISTO. :D
Friday, November 12, 2010
Family drama
Wow, my heart is exploding. I am over the first shock of an attack on me. It didn't hurt so much when it first happened. Now I am hurting for real.
I now have the struggle of forgiveness. The trauma that will affect the family scares me. I thought that we had finally reached some measure of healing after many years of living with a misunderstanding. I must be compassionate with someone who is bound and determined to believe I am basically a liar, a heartless person, out to make them miserable... family drama by someone who is carrying a lot of pain. Right now I am angry and obliged to remain silent to maintain a semblance of order.
My daughter tells me, it is not about me. It is about the anger and confusion of this person. I get that, and I am so sorry that she is so hurt that she feels justified in striking out. If it were not family, it would be so much easier to deal with. I cannot walk away from family with such ease and grace. There are many people involved. Most would like this to go away. In other words for me to be okay with it. I am okay with the attack, I understand her hurt. But now I have a broken heart too. I have no way to "fix" it. I have to leave it to God.
Father God:
Coming before you with grateful heart for all that You do. Proclaiming that You are the Great I Am, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Creator of all. You are the great Provider, the Healer, the source of all good and perfect love. I bow before your majesty, am humbled by the fact that You sent Your Son, Jesus Christ, to earth to redeem us from our sin.
In His sweet name I ask that you heal this heart and the heart of the person who has struck out against me. She is Your child but has not yet understood that You are love and that is what you expect of us. My prayer is that she find forgiveness in her heart for me and be set free from all that hurts her. I ask that Your will be done in this situation.
I love You so deeply, I trust You completely, and stand on Your promises in this time of hurt, knowing that You will heal me and her and that the family will be united once again.
Thank You blessed Father. In the Holy name of Jesus, Amen and Amen.
I now have the struggle of forgiveness. The trauma that will affect the family scares me. I thought that we had finally reached some measure of healing after many years of living with a misunderstanding. I must be compassionate with someone who is bound and determined to believe I am basically a liar, a heartless person, out to make them miserable... family drama by someone who is carrying a lot of pain. Right now I am angry and obliged to remain silent to maintain a semblance of order.
My daughter tells me, it is not about me. It is about the anger and confusion of this person. I get that, and I am so sorry that she is so hurt that she feels justified in striking out. If it were not family, it would be so much easier to deal with. I cannot walk away from family with such ease and grace. There are many people involved. Most would like this to go away. In other words for me to be okay with it. I am okay with the attack, I understand her hurt. But now I have a broken heart too. I have no way to "fix" it. I have to leave it to God.
Father God:
Coming before you with grateful heart for all that You do. Proclaiming that You are the Great I Am, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Creator of all. You are the great Provider, the Healer, the source of all good and perfect love. I bow before your majesty, am humbled by the fact that You sent Your Son, Jesus Christ, to earth to redeem us from our sin.
In His sweet name I ask that you heal this heart and the heart of the person who has struck out against me. She is Your child but has not yet understood that You are love and that is what you expect of us. My prayer is that she find forgiveness in her heart for me and be set free from all that hurts her. I ask that Your will be done in this situation.
I love You so deeply, I trust You completely, and stand on Your promises in this time of hurt, knowing that You will heal me and her and that the family will be united once again.
Thank You blessed Father. In the Holy name of Jesus, Amen and Amen.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Bob Sorge's Visit to My Church
Wow, I was so touched and I believe led to another level of worship and faith on Saturday, August 21, 2010 at 1:00-2:30 pm. Bob Sorge, the author of Exploring Worship did us the immense honor of speaking to our choir on Saturday and our church on Sunday. He does not speak much because of damage to his vocal chords. He writes on a pad to answer/converse/socialize when he is not on the podium. I had the supreme pleasure of being in his company for a few minutes prior to his message to us.
God is so big and so wonderful... and He knows what we need and puts people in our path to help us towards understanding and growth.
I was given the book Exploring Worship some years ago, maybe five or six, don't really remember. As I read it I started highlighting the parts that spoke to me and that I thought I would someday want to read again. In the part where he was talking about the start of the tribe of Judah, I wrote a note "I see myself as a Judahite". Probably not correct terminology, but trying to say that I love praise and worship, that I felt connected to that in a spiritual kind of way. The word Judah means "praise". And I have a passion for it. I love the phrase "born to praise, created to worship". It strikes a deep, rich, resonant chord.
I have always doubted my worthiness to be up on that platform on Sundays. Being passionate about something doesn't mean you are worthy. I asked Bob Sorge to sign my book and showed him what I had written so many years ago, and commented that I was not sure if that was still a complete truth in my life. He looked me in the eyes and wrote on his pad that his message would correct me today. That he would speak to me. I really did not know just what that meant so I smiled and said Okay with a sense of expectancy.
He spoke of so many things, the angels, the prophets, the rocks, the modern day church and its problems. He talked about worshipers and gate keepers. He spoke about what we should be doing, what we do wrong in innocence, out of habit and misunderstanding. He echoed so much of what I believe but cannot put into words and have not come close to accomplishing.
He confirmed some of my basic understandings. I believe God spoke to me long before I knew Him. He protected me long before I accepted Jesus as my savior. My prayers were answered before I was a forgiven sinner, when I shouted out to Him, acknowledging my inability to protect my family and my need of His mercy and grace to save my children and their children.
I came away feeling like I am truly a Judahite, and I should not doubt my love and my passion for praise and worship, I should continue to feel that when I am on that stage I am NOT a leader (which I have never felt to be accurate despite what everyone tells me). When I am up there, I am ministering to my God asking that He minister to those who walked through the doors. I pray for the people in the church, I pray for my family, I pray for everyone I can think of who has a need and shout out their names during that time... but I am talking to my God, I am thanking my God, I am totally His for that time and space. If someone is touched by my worship, hallelujah, that is sweet frosting on the cake of worship.
He explained that gate keepers have two principle duties. One is to make sure nothing unholy touches the holy parts of the church/temple. When we go up to the platform to sing His praises and worship Him, that becomes a holy place. We are inviting His presence into The Sanctuary... Hoping that He finds all that we do pleasing to Him. We cannot expect that He will be there if we are offending Him.
My first reaction to even consider becoming a gate keeper was "fear". Too enormous a responsibility for this humble servant. That would mean judging other people as worthy or unworthy, holy or unholy. What soon became clear to me was that each one of us is a gate keeper, comes with the territory. We should be responsible for making sure that we are not the "unholy" in the holy places. I have the supreme privilege of worshiping Him from a holy place. If my heart is not right, if I do not confess and repent of my sins before climbing up those stairs, I am permitting unholiness onto holy territory. I might be the reason that God does not show up... no matter how wonderfully, energetically, and sincerely I sing His praises and worship Him. It is as clashing cymbals to him... and I can see Him turning His face away.
I cannot go up there anymore unless I have confessed and repented. I know that so truly and deeply now. I am thinking I may find myself unable to go on stage one of these days. I usually ask God to find our humble offering of praise and worship pleasing to His ears and not as clashing cymbals when I go up there. It will mean more than ever from now on.
It also means that I can shed my fears about what people think of my form of praise and worship. I can look deeper into what I am truly supposed to be doing to fulfill His will no matter what happens to me, just as Bob Sorge is doing. I can feel more and more of His joy and openly share that will every person God puts in my path.
Oh, thank you Bob Sorge. Thank you my Abba Father. S'agapo poli Xristo.
In the end, it is always about love.
God is so big and so wonderful... and He knows what we need and puts people in our path to help us towards understanding and growth.
I was given the book Exploring Worship some years ago, maybe five or six, don't really remember. As I read it I started highlighting the parts that spoke to me and that I thought I would someday want to read again. In the part where he was talking about the start of the tribe of Judah, I wrote a note "I see myself as a Judahite". Probably not correct terminology, but trying to say that I love praise and worship, that I felt connected to that in a spiritual kind of way. The word Judah means "praise". And I have a passion for it. I love the phrase "born to praise, created to worship". It strikes a deep, rich, resonant chord.
I have always doubted my worthiness to be up on that platform on Sundays. Being passionate about something doesn't mean you are worthy. I asked Bob Sorge to sign my book and showed him what I had written so many years ago, and commented that I was not sure if that was still a complete truth in my life. He looked me in the eyes and wrote on his pad that his message would correct me today. That he would speak to me. I really did not know just what that meant so I smiled and said Okay with a sense of expectancy.
He spoke of so many things, the angels, the prophets, the rocks, the modern day church and its problems. He talked about worshipers and gate keepers. He spoke about what we should be doing, what we do wrong in innocence, out of habit and misunderstanding. He echoed so much of what I believe but cannot put into words and have not come close to accomplishing.
He confirmed some of my basic understandings. I believe God spoke to me long before I knew Him. He protected me long before I accepted Jesus as my savior. My prayers were answered before I was a forgiven sinner, when I shouted out to Him, acknowledging my inability to protect my family and my need of His mercy and grace to save my children and their children.
I came away feeling like I am truly a Judahite, and I should not doubt my love and my passion for praise and worship, I should continue to feel that when I am on that stage I am NOT a leader (which I have never felt to be accurate despite what everyone tells me). When I am up there, I am ministering to my God asking that He minister to those who walked through the doors. I pray for the people in the church, I pray for my family, I pray for everyone I can think of who has a need and shout out their names during that time... but I am talking to my God, I am thanking my God, I am totally His for that time and space. If someone is touched by my worship, hallelujah, that is sweet frosting on the cake of worship.
He explained that gate keepers have two principle duties. One is to make sure nothing unholy touches the holy parts of the church/temple. When we go up to the platform to sing His praises and worship Him, that becomes a holy place. We are inviting His presence into The Sanctuary... Hoping that He finds all that we do pleasing to Him. We cannot expect that He will be there if we are offending Him.
My first reaction to even consider becoming a gate keeper was "fear". Too enormous a responsibility for this humble servant. That would mean judging other people as worthy or unworthy, holy or unholy. What soon became clear to me was that each one of us is a gate keeper, comes with the territory. We should be responsible for making sure that we are not the "unholy" in the holy places. I have the supreme privilege of worshiping Him from a holy place. If my heart is not right, if I do not confess and repent of my sins before climbing up those stairs, I am permitting unholiness onto holy territory. I might be the reason that God does not show up... no matter how wonderfully, energetically, and sincerely I sing His praises and worship Him. It is as clashing cymbals to him... and I can see Him turning His face away.
I cannot go up there anymore unless I have confessed and repented. I know that so truly and deeply now. I am thinking I may find myself unable to go on stage one of these days. I usually ask God to find our humble offering of praise and worship pleasing to His ears and not as clashing cymbals when I go up there. It will mean more than ever from now on.
It also means that I can shed my fears about what people think of my form of praise and worship. I can look deeper into what I am truly supposed to be doing to fulfill His will no matter what happens to me, just as Bob Sorge is doing. I can feel more and more of His joy and openly share that will every person God puts in my path.
Oh, thank you Bob Sorge. Thank you my Abba Father. S'agapo poli Xristo.
In the end, it is always about love.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Politics and God
I read a political commentary that started me thinking. It stated that we need another amendment... making the politicians, particularly the senators and representatives, equal to "regular citizens". No special privileges that puts them above the "commoners". They want to eliminate the exceptions that protect them from legal prosecution from certain crimes, permits them to retire with full salaries, and the privilege of exemption from certain laws that are applied to most citizens. They are considered an "elite" class, above the law, in a sense.
I do not know if all of this is true, but I'm guessing some of it is. Abuse of the law by politicians is way too common in most civilized countries. It is the result of greed, excess of power, the love of money, lack of moral integrity... and little or no belief in God.
Hopefully, if we love God and want to please Him, we try not break the law or abuse what is not ours. This does not seem to be very prevalent or even acceptable in the political circles that run our countries in these last two centuries.
As a country, as we back away from God, the government seems to be increasingly ineffective. The economy is weak, the national debt in the trillions, and the places we are at war with increasing in number. Since I was a teen, I cannot remember a time of peace, my first memory of war being the Vietnam War. America and Americans are hated in so many places.
Things may not change since that may not be God's plan... especially if that plan has to do with acknowledging our Creator as the king of kings, accepting Christ as our savior, repentance, forgiveness, obedience, and love being prevalent prior to the healing of our country.
It is clear that I must pray for the healing of our country while being a good Christian citizen, and loving my neighbor.
It always comes back to love.
I do not know if all of this is true, but I'm guessing some of it is. Abuse of the law by politicians is way too common in most civilized countries. It is the result of greed, excess of power, the love of money, lack of moral integrity... and little or no belief in God.
Hopefully, if we love God and want to please Him, we try not break the law or abuse what is not ours. This does not seem to be very prevalent or even acceptable in the political circles that run our countries in these last two centuries.
As a country, as we back away from God, the government seems to be increasingly ineffective. The economy is weak, the national debt in the trillions, and the places we are at war with increasing in number. Since I was a teen, I cannot remember a time of peace, my first memory of war being the Vietnam War. America and Americans are hated in so many places.
Things may not change since that may not be God's plan... especially if that plan has to do with acknowledging our Creator as the king of kings, accepting Christ as our savior, repentance, forgiveness, obedience, and love being prevalent prior to the healing of our country.
It is clear that I must pray for the healing of our country while being a good Christian citizen, and loving my neighbor.
It always comes back to love.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Conviction, Guilt, Condemnation
The good the bad and the ugly are fighting to have control today. I am so upset because something I gave into is like a pebble being tossed into a pond. Ripples are visible and I cannot take back what I started. I am repentant, but I have already affected other lives. I am paying a price for not being obedient. There is no condemnation for those who are redeemed, but, man, it feels real bad. The conviction took a while, but the guilt took seconds.
I needed a biblical word and this is where I was led. Thank you Holy Spirit.
Off to be obedient. Again it is all about love. Thank you Father.
I needed a biblical word and this is where I was led. Thank you Holy Spirit.
Psalm 51:1-17His love is so great, He is so good, He is so constant and faithful that in the times of David and in this millennium, all we need to do is confess, repent, and praise Him to obtain forgiveness.
1HAVE MERCY upon me, O God, according to Your steadfast love; according to the multitude of Your tender mercy and loving-kindness blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me thoroughly [and repeatedly] from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin!
3For I am conscious of my transgressions and I acknowledge them; my sin is ever before me.
4Against You, You only, have I sinned and done that which is evil in Your sight, so that You are justified in Your sentence and faultless in Your judgment.(A)
5Behold, I was brought forth in [a state of] iniquity; my mother was sinful who conceived me [and I too am sinful].(B)
6Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart.
7Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean [ceremonially]; wash me, and I shall [in reality] be whiter than snow.
8Make me to hear joy and gladness and be satisfied; let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
9Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my guilt and iniquities.
10Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me.
11Cast me not away from Your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
12Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.
13Then will I teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners shall be converted and return to You.
14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness and death, O God, the God of my salvation, and my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness (Your rightness and Your justice).
15O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
16For You delight not in sacrifice, or else would I give it; You find no pleasure in burnt offering.(C)
17My sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise.
Off to be obedient. Again it is all about love. Thank you Father.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Judge not... lest ye be judged
I've found that many of my friends, people who love me, don't really accept me and my christian principles. If I do not do things perfectly, the question is "and you call yourself a Christian?" Yup, I call myself a Christian because I am born again and I am in a daily struggle to let God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit transform my mind, spirit, and soul.
What I do and accomplish does not make me a Christian, it is what God does in me, what Jesus died for that makes me a Christian. I have no righteousness to boast of... God sees me through the righteousness of Jesus, the Lamb who was slain for my sins. I am but a sinner. Forgiven and redeemed. I ask for His guidance, confess my sins, ask His forgiveness, thank Him for His grace and mercy, hope that I am a light to some, sing His praises, and worship Him to the best of my limited ability. Only He knows how much I believe in Him, how much I love Him, and how much I depend on Him. No one else knows.
I heard Joyce Meyers say that only someone who knows all the facts is qualified to make a judgment. The only one who knows every thought and every action we ever made, and all the good things and bad things that happened to us throughout our lifetime is God. Only He is qualified to judge us. These, of course, are not her exact words, but you get the idea.
Many of our actions, decisions, and reactions are based on things that happened to us as children, as teens, and as adults. My children think they know me, my mother thought she knew me, my husband does too. But no one really knows everything that has influenced me in my lifetime. I probably don't remember a lot of it myself. In all truthfulness, I cannot explain why I have many of my faults and annoying qualities. Why am I sometimes loving, caring, compassionate and kind and other times sarcastic, suspicious, or unkind in thought, word, or deed.
I guess I can't expect others to understand what I do not always understand. I can, however, hope that they not judge my imperfect actions and thoughts and find me lacking as a christian, a disciple of Christ, a child of God. I can hope they love me with a forgiving and Christ-like love.
I pray that I always be led to follow:
It always comes back to love.
What I do and accomplish does not make me a Christian, it is what God does in me, what Jesus died for that makes me a Christian. I have no righteousness to boast of... God sees me through the righteousness of Jesus, the Lamb who was slain for my sins. I am but a sinner. Forgiven and redeemed. I ask for His guidance, confess my sins, ask His forgiveness, thank Him for His grace and mercy, hope that I am a light to some, sing His praises, and worship Him to the best of my limited ability. Only He knows how much I believe in Him, how much I love Him, and how much I depend on Him. No one else knows.
I heard Joyce Meyers say that only someone who knows all the facts is qualified to make a judgment. The only one who knows every thought and every action we ever made, and all the good things and bad things that happened to us throughout our lifetime is God. Only He is qualified to judge us. These, of course, are not her exact words, but you get the idea.
Many of our actions, decisions, and reactions are based on things that happened to us as children, as teens, and as adults. My children think they know me, my mother thought she knew me, my husband does too. But no one really knows everything that has influenced me in my lifetime. I probably don't remember a lot of it myself. In all truthfulness, I cannot explain why I have many of my faults and annoying qualities. Why am I sometimes loving, caring, compassionate and kind and other times sarcastic, suspicious, or unkind in thought, word, or deed.
I guess I can't expect others to understand what I do not always understand. I can, however, hope that they not judge my imperfect actions and thoughts and find me lacking as a christian, a disciple of Christ, a child of God. I can hope they love me with a forgiving and Christ-like love.
I pray that I always be led to follow:
Matthew 7 (amp)
1DO NOT judge and criticize and condemn others, so that you may not be judged and criticized and condemned yourselves.
It always comes back to love.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Speaking the whole truth
There is only one "truth" if you are a Christ follower. But that is just so hard to apply to the world we live in.
Anyone can ask us a question, we must decide if, and what, we want to answer. We are not under an obligation to answer with the facts they are requesting. We are obliged by common courtesy/politeness to make a reply of some sort though. The one thing that is very clear is that we must not lie.
I've been asked questions I am not comfortable answering "truthfully". Sometimes, it is because I know the answer but it was given to me in confidence that I would not repeat it. Other times I know I will come under attack if I give the information. Other times it just seems useless because the person is not in a place to receive the truth, as I perceive it, and not be hurt.
So, if I love my neighbor as myself, do I hand out the truth, as I perceive it, despite all possible subsequent consequences? If I am not telling the complete truth, as I perceive it, am I really telling a lie? Some would perceive that by not speaking the whole truth, one is actually telling a lie. Telling a lie is an abomination before God.
The other side of the coin that comes to my mind is:
Avoid unnecessary strife, do not be unkind, do not force confrontation into other people's lives.
We only have control of what we feel and do about information that comes to us. We have no control over other people's feelings. When we pour information into others we are affecting their lives. Perhaps in a very small way, but it could however have an immense impact. It could be like dropping a pebble into a pool, creating ripples that reach far out into others lives.
I am putting this into prayer, asking to be given wisdom in speaking to others... to be judicious, discerning, and compassionate when answering the tough questions. It once again boils down to love. May His love be apparent in my life and words.
Anyone can ask us a question, we must decide if, and what, we want to answer. We are not under an obligation to answer with the facts they are requesting. We are obliged by common courtesy/politeness to make a reply of some sort though. The one thing that is very clear is that we must not lie.
I've been asked questions I am not comfortable answering "truthfully". Sometimes, it is because I know the answer but it was given to me in confidence that I would not repeat it. Other times I know I will come under attack if I give the information. Other times it just seems useless because the person is not in a place to receive the truth, as I perceive it, and not be hurt.
So, if I love my neighbor as myself, do I hand out the truth, as I perceive it, despite all possible subsequent consequences? If I am not telling the complete truth, as I perceive it, am I really telling a lie? Some would perceive that by not speaking the whole truth, one is actually telling a lie. Telling a lie is an abomination before God.
The other side of the coin that comes to my mind is:
Romans 12:18
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Avoid unnecessary strife, do not be unkind, do not force confrontation into other people's lives.
We only have control of what we feel and do about information that comes to us. We have no control over other people's feelings. When we pour information into others we are affecting their lives. Perhaps in a very small way, but it could however have an immense impact. It could be like dropping a pebble into a pool, creating ripples that reach far out into others lives.
I am putting this into prayer, asking to be given wisdom in speaking to others... to be judicious, discerning, and compassionate when answering the tough questions. It once again boils down to love. May His love be apparent in my life and words.
Monday, May 17, 2010
How big is my God?
I was sitting on the edge of the bed and just thinking random thoughts. It turned to God, as it often does. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about how we measure all things by what we know. On a certain level, I understand the universe is bigger than our galaxy. I understand that the earth is not the largest planet in our galaxy. The continent that I live on is not the largest. The island in the Caribbean I was born on is a mere 100 by 45 aeronautical miles. Miniscule in the scheme of things. If the island is that tiny, I by comparison am barely existent. A mere 5 foot 2 inches tall by 23 inches wide (46 inches in circumference). I already used the word miniscule... so I must need another word to describe my tininess in the scheme of things. Infinitesimal?
My wandering mind remembered that it is said that the waters of the earth fit in the palm of His hand. That would make the Caribbean a microscopic dot. He is so big, bigger than my mind can perceive... what is the opposite of infinitesimal? According to Google, I probably know or am familiar with about a 100,000 words and their different meanings by being fluent in the English and in the Spanish languages. Let's say for argument's sake I can use 10,000 words. Honestly, the closest I can come to describing God's bigness is - omnipresent. I humbly admit, that I'm not even sure what that means, so basically, I remain wordless.
I said all that because, as I contemplated His bigness and my insignificant, invisible size, I realized... He listens to me. I am not worthy.
Now I have to try to get a grasp on how big is His love.
My wandering mind remembered that it is said that the waters of the earth fit in the palm of His hand. That would make the Caribbean a microscopic dot. He is so big, bigger than my mind can perceive... what is the opposite of infinitesimal? According to Google, I probably know or am familiar with about a 100,000 words and their different meanings by being fluent in the English and in the Spanish languages. Let's say for argument's sake I can use 10,000 words. Honestly, the closest I can come to describing God's bigness is - omnipresent. I humbly admit, that I'm not even sure what that means, so basically, I remain wordless.
I said all that because, as I contemplated His bigness and my insignificant, invisible size, I realized... He listens to me. I am not worthy.
Now I have to try to get a grasp on how big is His love.
Monday, May 3, 2010
What is truth
Someone told another person the "truth." It was a hurtful statement. The originator of the statement claimed that it was okay to speak those words because it was the truth. Them's fighting words.
Off on a tangent go I. In my mind, I'm hearing, does anyone have the "right" to speak whatever is on their minds to anyone they want without consequence because they label it the truth. And while we're at it, what is the truth? Not talking about God's Truth, that's a whole other topic for another post.
Too many times when people speak the "truth", they are just stating an opinion, an impression, a concept, a perception, or using logic. That's a toughie to decipher. They may actually believe that they "know" the truth. Not an actual lie.
I once told someone that a certain phrase he just used (and that many attribute to the bible) is not actually biblical. Nope not in there. He responded yes, it is. And he believed he was right, that he was telling the truth. It sounded good, everyone says it, so it must be truth. I researched it because I too thought at one time that it was biblical. (Turns out that a man who did not believe in God was cited as the author of the words.)I was able to make up my own mind, and decided to drop it... No one was hurt by this particular exchange.
Not too long ago, a friend of mine was in the back seat of a car. Another persons purse was back there. The wallet that should have been in the purse was not there when she got out. Logic led to a very hurtful situation. The whole truth will never be known, because the person who was missing the wallet just did not know if it was left at a store she had been at earlier.
A few people became involved and insisted that my friend hand over her purse to make sure the missing wallet was not in it. They were sure of the "truth" because of logic. The wallet was not in my friend's purse. She was hurt and embarrassed to think that they assumed she would steal.
I told them that it would probably make me leave the church if someone accused me of stealing. I was told that people who have a defensive attitude have a problem. The "truth" of that statement eluded me as well. I took offense and had to ask God's forgiveness.
Bottom line, if we claim something is the truth, and believe it, that is fine, but nothing gives us the freedom or permission to hurt someone irresponsibly. I am setting a new standard in my life... wish me luck.
Off on a tangent go I. In my mind, I'm hearing, does anyone have the "right" to speak whatever is on their minds to anyone they want without consequence because they label it the truth. And while we're at it, what is the truth? Not talking about God's Truth, that's a whole other topic for another post.
Truth
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Truth can have a variety of meanings, from the state of being the case, being in accord with a particular fact or reality, being in accord with the body of real things, events, actuality, or fidelity to an original or to a standard. In archaic usage it could be fidelity, constancy or sincerity in action, character, and utterance.[1] The term has no single definition yet about which over fifty percent of professional philosophers and scholars agree[who?], and various theories and views of truth continue to be debated. There are differing claims on such questions as what constitutes truth; what things are truthbearers capable of being true or false; how to define and identify truth; the roles that revealed and acquired knowledge play; and whether truth is subjective, relative, objective, or absolute.
Too many times when people speak the "truth", they are just stating an opinion, an impression, a concept, a perception, or using logic. That's a toughie to decipher. They may actually believe that they "know" the truth. Not an actual lie.
I once told someone that a certain phrase he just used (and that many attribute to the bible) is not actually biblical. Nope not in there. He responded yes, it is. And he believed he was right, that he was telling the truth. It sounded good, everyone says it, so it must be truth. I researched it because I too thought at one time that it was biblical. (Turns out that a man who did not believe in God was cited as the author of the words.)I was able to make up my own mind, and decided to drop it... No one was hurt by this particular exchange.
Not too long ago, a friend of mine was in the back seat of a car. Another persons purse was back there. The wallet that should have been in the purse was not there when she got out. Logic led to a very hurtful situation. The whole truth will never be known, because the person who was missing the wallet just did not know if it was left at a store she had been at earlier.
A few people became involved and insisted that my friend hand over her purse to make sure the missing wallet was not in it. They were sure of the "truth" because of logic. The wallet was not in my friend's purse. She was hurt and embarrassed to think that they assumed she would steal.
I told them that it would probably make me leave the church if someone accused me of stealing. I was told that people who have a defensive attitude have a problem. The "truth" of that statement eluded me as well. I took offense and had to ask God's forgiveness.
Bottom line, if we claim something is the truth, and believe it, that is fine, but nothing gives us the freedom or permission to hurt someone irresponsibly. I am setting a new standard in my life... wish me luck.
Friday, April 30, 2010
To steal or not to steal that is the question.
What is stealing? Is it shoplifting. Is it cheating on your taxes? Is it taking pencils home from the office for the kids? Is it doing personal things on company time? Is it keeping something that you have found without trying to find who owns it. Not returning material to the library. Taking fruit off the trees that are not on your property? Is it switching labels on something so you pay less for it? Is it not tithing?
I suppose it depends a lot on how you want to see it. So, what's the big deal?
They have so much, they won't miss it.
Everybody does it.
Their insurance will reimburse them.
I'm just trying to feed my family.
I deserve it.
They don't deserve it.
I'll show them.
They'll never notice.
Buyer beware.
The government just wastes our money anyway.
You gotta do, what you gotta do.
It will make me "cool".
And that makes it alright. NOT!
I'm not quite sure when I finally understood it. Simple... if its not yours and you use or abuse or take it or keep it without permission - that is stealing. It's so hard to not break that one simple rule. We can change, and it is an essential to change the way we look at things. Part of the journey.
We have choices, if we choose to steal, in any of its forms, we will have to take responsibility for anything that happens as a consequence to the people/institution from whom we stole as well as bear the weight of the sin for our behavior.
Whether one believes in God or just believes what goes around comes around or just doesn't care one way or the other, there is a consequence. Sadly, we may not pay for it at the time, perhaps we first have to watch our children, who learned from us, as they reap the harsh but inevitable consequences.
If we love our children, we will do everything in our power to protect them from being hurt... so it doesn't make sense to teach them behavior which will ultimately harm them. Sadly, I've watched mothers use their children to shoplift, I can't even imagine what the future holds for most of them. Even sadder is that I will not let certain members of my own family stay in a room alone. The nails on the cross are not safe around them.
Trying to bring this around to love. If you love God, you will eventually love yourself enough to find the courage to change, and the love and the power to encourage others to change. Love really is the key.
I suppose it depends a lot on how you want to see it. So, what's the big deal?
They have so much, they won't miss it.
Everybody does it.
Their insurance will reimburse them.
I'm just trying to feed my family.
I deserve it.
They don't deserve it.
I'll show them.
They'll never notice.
Buyer beware.
The government just wastes our money anyway.
You gotta do, what you gotta do.
It will make me "cool".
And that makes it alright. NOT!
I'm not quite sure when I finally understood it. Simple... if its not yours and you use or abuse or take it or keep it without permission - that is stealing. It's so hard to not break that one simple rule. We can change, and it is an essential to change the way we look at things. Part of the journey.
We have choices, if we choose to steal, in any of its forms, we will have to take responsibility for anything that happens as a consequence to the people/institution from whom we stole as well as bear the weight of the sin for our behavior.
Whether one believes in God or just believes what goes around comes around or just doesn't care one way or the other, there is a consequence. Sadly, we may not pay for it at the time, perhaps we first have to watch our children, who learned from us, as they reap the harsh but inevitable consequences.
If we love our children, we will do everything in our power to protect them from being hurt... so it doesn't make sense to teach them behavior which will ultimately harm them. Sadly, I've watched mothers use their children to shoplift, I can't even imagine what the future holds for most of them. Even sadder is that I will not let certain members of my own family stay in a room alone. The nails on the cross are not safe around them.
Trying to bring this around to love. If you love God, you will eventually love yourself enough to find the courage to change, and the love and the power to encourage others to change. Love really is the key.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Put Up Your Dukes
Interesting saying. I wonder if it is still a meaningful challenge. Probably cause more laughter than fear these days.
Just thinking that my hubby is a kind and compassionate man. He can be infuriating as he is extremely passive aggressive. He always has been. He mumbles to himself as he walks away, but not loud enough for the words to be distinguishable, but loud enough to have made the point. If you ask what he said..."nothing" comes back.
It makes me wonder how to describe myself these days. Anger always was an issue and is still an issue. Was the angry daughter of the angry mom, who was the angry daughter of my angry grandfather, Pedro. He was probably born into slavery at the beginning of the 20th century in the Caribbean, because my great-grandmother was supposedly a native Taino indian and guessing that his father was black. Pedro was a smart, tough, man. He worked in the sugar cane fields and ended up being a loan shark of sorts. Not sure about any of this, since my mother would not speak much about him and my aunt said he had died long before that was actually a fact (another angry woman).
Why delve into all this? To give myself an excuse, no way Jose. To give God the glory. I was born to the person He wanted me to be born to. I was not as cruel and unforgiving as my grandfather, nor was my mother. She was the non-dominant one of a set of identical twins. Beautiful face, sweet disposition, when not taken to that angry place, much nicer than her twin sister on many levels. I thank God she (of the two) was my mother.
For 55 years I had absolutely no control over the red emotion (that is how I perceive it) that would engulf me. There is a switch that is tripped when I get angry. I could almost hear the click. The adrenaline and the tears would flow... and the defenses would go up and the intelligence would seep out somewhere. There are probably good scientific explanations for all of that. Don't know. Just know that I hurt people left and right... and felt entitled.
Since I gave my life to God, accepted Jesus as the Son of God and as my Savior, I have felt bits and pieces of the anger fall away. Tiny bits and pieces. Nothing grand scale, but the change has taken place. I still get angry, would be lying if I said any differently. But that huge, all encompassing need to strike out, has gotten so small, that it is almost impossible for me to lift a hand against another human being. At least I hope and pray so. The words however, still get past my lips, more often than I want to admit to.
I thought I was beyond the anger (the big bad one that was accompanied by the desire to strike out physically), but lo and behold, I was taught differently.
I felt led to expand my service in the kingdom by going out in local missions. I spoke it, looking for direction and prayer. I immediately got slammed emotionally and spiritually. Everything and everybody started making me angry and sad. Long story short, I realized that I was being taught something. That I did not get rid of my anger, God graced me with His patience, the Holy Spirit interceded when I needed to be held back, that I was the recipient of His great mercy. Without those things, I was just that angry person all over again. I give Him the glory. He released me from this following a three week fast. I sat in church and heard, "This is not the last battle you will have... but this one is over." Oh, Thank you sweet Jesus. It was a rough tear-filled two months. I had to apologize to people and got in trouble with a pastor at church. But my joy was restored... my peace with my God was back. I could now proceed to the next step and go out into the new ministry.
When you are "in" the world, live by the standards of the world, you will not have His grace and mercy to hold back the spirit of anger. It is a painful spirit. The spirit of love and the spirit of anger do not coexist successfully. I know, I hurt the people I loved.
Fill me with your loving spirit Jesus.
Just thinking that my hubby is a kind and compassionate man. He can be infuriating as he is extremely passive aggressive. He always has been. He mumbles to himself as he walks away, but not loud enough for the words to be distinguishable, but loud enough to have made the point. If you ask what he said..."nothing" comes back.
It makes me wonder how to describe myself these days. Anger always was an issue and is still an issue. Was the angry daughter of the angry mom, who was the angry daughter of my angry grandfather, Pedro. He was probably born into slavery at the beginning of the 20th century in the Caribbean, because my great-grandmother was supposedly a native Taino indian and guessing that his father was black. Pedro was a smart, tough, man. He worked in the sugar cane fields and ended up being a loan shark of sorts. Not sure about any of this, since my mother would not speak much about him and my aunt said he had died long before that was actually a fact (another angry woman).
Why delve into all this? To give myself an excuse, no way Jose. To give God the glory. I was born to the person He wanted me to be born to. I was not as cruel and unforgiving as my grandfather, nor was my mother. She was the non-dominant one of a set of identical twins. Beautiful face, sweet disposition, when not taken to that angry place, much nicer than her twin sister on many levels. I thank God she (of the two) was my mother.
For 55 years I had absolutely no control over the red emotion (that is how I perceive it) that would engulf me. There is a switch that is tripped when I get angry. I could almost hear the click. The adrenaline and the tears would flow... and the defenses would go up and the intelligence would seep out somewhere. There are probably good scientific explanations for all of that. Don't know. Just know that I hurt people left and right... and felt entitled.
Since I gave my life to God, accepted Jesus as the Son of God and as my Savior, I have felt bits and pieces of the anger fall away. Tiny bits and pieces. Nothing grand scale, but the change has taken place. I still get angry, would be lying if I said any differently. But that huge, all encompassing need to strike out, has gotten so small, that it is almost impossible for me to lift a hand against another human being. At least I hope and pray so. The words however, still get past my lips, more often than I want to admit to.
I thought I was beyond the anger (the big bad one that was accompanied by the desire to strike out physically), but lo and behold, I was taught differently.
I felt led to expand my service in the kingdom by going out in local missions. I spoke it, looking for direction and prayer. I immediately got slammed emotionally and spiritually. Everything and everybody started making me angry and sad. Long story short, I realized that I was being taught something. That I did not get rid of my anger, God graced me with His patience, the Holy Spirit interceded when I needed to be held back, that I was the recipient of His great mercy. Without those things, I was just that angry person all over again. I give Him the glory. He released me from this following a three week fast. I sat in church and heard, "This is not the last battle you will have... but this one is over." Oh, Thank you sweet Jesus. It was a rough tear-filled two months. I had to apologize to people and got in trouble with a pastor at church. But my joy was restored... my peace with my God was back. I could now proceed to the next step and go out into the new ministry.
When you are "in" the world, live by the standards of the world, you will not have His grace and mercy to hold back the spirit of anger. It is a painful spirit. The spirit of love and the spirit of anger do not coexist successfully. I know, I hurt the people I loved.
Fill me with your loving spirit Jesus.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Forgiveness... so elusive
My husband and I had a history from when we were younger. Almost 20 years later, when we were contemplating getting married, I worried that the past would be an obstacle when we got into disagreements. Could we could be happy enough to overcome the past? He told me that if we wanted to make it work we would have to forget the past and never bring it up. Well, in all fairness, 25 years later I have to say it worked. I guess that is kind of the same thing as forgiveness.
We are taught that when we confess our sins and are repentant, we are forgiven, and those sins are cast into the sea of forgetfulness. Thank you, Jesus. We are to forgive those who trespass against us. That means throwing those trespasses into the Sea of Forgetfulness. That's the hard part. I don't forget offense very easily.
I've gotten better at the "saying" I forgive. Yes, yes, yes. I can say it, but I just don't feel it sometimes. That person who hurt my chances at getting a better increase in salary... mmmm, OK, I forgive you, but I'm not forgetting what you did, five years later. That person who told my director that I was annoyed with him... no such thing, a total misunderstanding. OK, I forgive you. But I have arguments in my head with them. Guess I haven't forgotten it. Where did they say the Sea of Forgetfulness is located?
What I have discerned is that to forgive someone has nothing to do with them. It is an act of obedience. It has to do with being Christ-like. It is about a commitment we make to look at things differently. Saying I forgive is the beginning of that commitment. It does not mean that the person is released of their responsibility or the resulting consequences that befall them. It means that you are on the road to spiritual healing.
So, I will continue to speak "I forgive" and stop myself when thinking about the person and their offense, and give it to God, who is faithful in His healing. Full circle, He forgives me for being weak in the forgiveness of others. I learn to forgive others, so I may be forgiven.
Its all about the love.
We are taught that when we confess our sins and are repentant, we are forgiven, and those sins are cast into the sea of forgetfulness. Thank you, Jesus. We are to forgive those who trespass against us. That means throwing those trespasses into the Sea of Forgetfulness. That's the hard part. I don't forget offense very easily.
I've gotten better at the "saying" I forgive. Yes, yes, yes. I can say it, but I just don't feel it sometimes. That person who hurt my chances at getting a better increase in salary... mmmm, OK, I forgive you, but I'm not forgetting what you did, five years later. That person who told my director that I was annoyed with him... no such thing, a total misunderstanding. OK, I forgive you. But I have arguments in my head with them. Guess I haven't forgotten it. Where did they say the Sea of Forgetfulness is located?
What I have discerned is that to forgive someone has nothing to do with them. It is an act of obedience. It has to do with being Christ-like. It is about a commitment we make to look at things differently. Saying I forgive is the beginning of that commitment. It does not mean that the person is released of their responsibility or the resulting consequences that befall them. It means that you are on the road to spiritual healing.
So, I will continue to speak "I forgive" and stop myself when thinking about the person and their offense, and give it to God, who is faithful in His healing. Full circle, He forgives me for being weak in the forgiveness of others. I learn to forgive others, so I may be forgiven.
Its all about the love.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Why do I sing His praises?
Not because I have a wonderful voice, absolutely nothing outstanding about it. God gave me a nice little voice, some think it is nice, others are not impressed at all. So be it. And so not the point.
I'd been in my church going on a year. It was my first home church since I was a child. The church He led me to after I was saved. I sat there in the back row after service and watched as everyone left. No one said, "OK, bye have a good week, see you next week." Everyone else seemed to be in fellowship, except me. I did not feel I was a part of the church after so many months of faithful attendance and considerable growth. It made me so sad that I sat there and cried. I finally cried out to God, asking Him that if it was my fault, to change that in me. Went home and stopped going to church for a few weeks. I couldn't stay away, I had to go back.
We had a wonderful choir. There was one lady I always looked at because I could always see when she entered the presence of God. There was a male lead singer who cried unashamedly many Sundays. I watched and I wondered and I learned. I learned to raise my hands in the air while praising. I learned the words to a number of songs, but mostly just read the words off of the screen.
About two weeks after I went back to church, someone sat in my seat that morning. I always sat in the very back row, so most people could not see me. So, I went up closer to the front and sat next to an usher, Doug. That Sunday, every song that they sang, I knew by heart, so I sang and worshiped unrestrained. I had a wonderful time of praise. At the end of the service Doug asked why I didn't join the choir. Caught me off guard. I mumbled something about I didn't have time because I worked so many hours and my voice wasn't that good anyway. He gently told me that my voice was pretty but that I had a gift for worship, and that is what was important.
Within two weeks I was in the choir, all nervous and uncertain about my abilities. Its been eight beautiful years since that moment. God answered my cry out. I instantly had 20 or more people saying... Ok, bye. I will see you Sunday.
I thank Him for granting me the privilege of praising Him with the choir. He is faithful, He is listening for us to cry out, and He answers prayer. He is Good. This is love.
I'd been in my church going on a year. It was my first home church since I was a child. The church He led me to after I was saved. I sat there in the back row after service and watched as everyone left. No one said, "OK, bye have a good week, see you next week." Everyone else seemed to be in fellowship, except me. I did not feel I was a part of the church after so many months of faithful attendance and considerable growth. It made me so sad that I sat there and cried. I finally cried out to God, asking Him that if it was my fault, to change that in me. Went home and stopped going to church for a few weeks. I couldn't stay away, I had to go back.
We had a wonderful choir. There was one lady I always looked at because I could always see when she entered the presence of God. There was a male lead singer who cried unashamedly many Sundays. I watched and I wondered and I learned. I learned to raise my hands in the air while praising. I learned the words to a number of songs, but mostly just read the words off of the screen.
About two weeks after I went back to church, someone sat in my seat that morning. I always sat in the very back row, so most people could not see me. So, I went up closer to the front and sat next to an usher, Doug. That Sunday, every song that they sang, I knew by heart, so I sang and worshiped unrestrained. I had a wonderful time of praise. At the end of the service Doug asked why I didn't join the choir. Caught me off guard. I mumbled something about I didn't have time because I worked so many hours and my voice wasn't that good anyway. He gently told me that my voice was pretty but that I had a gift for worship, and that is what was important.
Within two weeks I was in the choir, all nervous and uncertain about my abilities. Its been eight beautiful years since that moment. God answered my cry out. I instantly had 20 or more people saying... Ok, bye. I will see you Sunday.
I thank Him for granting me the privilege of praising Him with the choir. He is faithful, He is listening for us to cry out, and He answers prayer. He is Good. This is love.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Jesus, I love you
I was driving somewhere, don't remember where, but I remember exactly where I was. It was several years ago... maybe fifteen years. I was not yet aware of my part in His plan. Still totally in and of the world, feeding the fleshly desires. That includes the music I loved to listen to. R&R, R&B, a bit of country, some mildly hard rock, a teeny tiny bit of mild Rap, some Jazz. Pretty typical. Nothing truly offensive... not crazy about lyrics that talked violence, dirty language, death, nasty sex. I listened to nothing that said anything about faith, agape love, Jesus or God. You know.
I was stopped at a red light, scanning the car radio for something to listen to. I guess I didn't like what the station was playing and came to a Christian radio station. I do not know why, but I stayed there long enough to hear the female radio personality say "Everybody, I want you to say I love you to Jesus". And sitting in my car, all by myself, I said it... out loud. "Jesus, I love you." Little did I know that I was being led to that station, at that precise moment, because I was being taken on a new journey. I knew nothing of obedience. Yes, I knew who Jesus was, and yes, I had a certain reverence for Him. But I was just starting to love Him, and did not know it.
From that day on, I listened to Christian stations when I was in my car. Soon after that, I was trying to get Christian music in my office, but the reception was very poor and I only heard a little bit there. My taste in music was changed from one day to the next. I never understood it, but that is the way it happened. I remember the first Christian song I learned at my desk was The Creation Song by Fernando Ortega.
God works in mysterious ways. Why He would even take the time to do this in my life, confounds me, humbles me. The Holy Spirit gave me obedience when I did not know what that was and would not have done it on my own. I give Him the glory.
Jesus, I love you.
I was stopped at a red light, scanning the car radio for something to listen to. I guess I didn't like what the station was playing and came to a Christian radio station. I do not know why, but I stayed there long enough to hear the female radio personality say "Everybody, I want you to say I love you to Jesus". And sitting in my car, all by myself, I said it... out loud. "Jesus, I love you." Little did I know that I was being led to that station, at that precise moment, because I was being taken on a new journey. I knew nothing of obedience. Yes, I knew who Jesus was, and yes, I had a certain reverence for Him. But I was just starting to love Him, and did not know it.
From that day on, I listened to Christian stations when I was in my car. Soon after that, I was trying to get Christian music in my office, but the reception was very poor and I only heard a little bit there. My taste in music was changed from one day to the next. I never understood it, but that is the way it happened. I remember the first Christian song I learned at my desk was The Creation Song by Fernando Ortega.
God works in mysterious ways. Why He would even take the time to do this in my life, confounds me, humbles me. The Holy Spirit gave me obedience when I did not know what that was and would not have done it on my own. I give Him the glory.
Jesus, I love you.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Blogging - A great way to relax
I decided that I need a place to say things that just don't sit well with most of the people I know. For one reason or another, I am just a bit to the right or left of most people who surround me. We are all individuals, not carbon copies, but we absorb some things from others. Just deciding what I need from whom is overwhelming. And being myself is just as overwhelming since I am changing so much.
I am on a journey to find, feed, and strengthen my spiritual man. I am learning to be a more Christ-like person. I am deciding what things have made me unhappy, and which things have made me joyful and trying to adjust the balance towards being joyful. This journey has lost me many a friend and has brought a whole new host of friends. It is scary, rewarding, sad, joyful, easy, hard, and almost impossible to explain without sounding off-balanced.
I am going to bounce my thoughts, questions, and occurrences - good, bad, ugly or whatever they turn out to be and hopefully come back to the words - Love is the key.
I am on a journey to find, feed, and strengthen my spiritual man. I am learning to be a more Christ-like person. I am deciding what things have made me unhappy, and which things have made me joyful and trying to adjust the balance towards being joyful. This journey has lost me many a friend and has brought a whole new host of friends. It is scary, rewarding, sad, joyful, easy, hard, and almost impossible to explain without sounding off-balanced.
I am going to bounce my thoughts, questions, and occurrences - good, bad, ugly or whatever they turn out to be and hopefully come back to the words - Love is the key.
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