Put Up Your Dukes

Interesting saying. I wonder if it is still a meaningful challenge. Probably cause more laughter than fear these days.

Just thinking that my hubby is a kind and compassionate man. He can be infuriating as he is extremely passive aggressive. He always has been. He mumbles to himself as he walks away, but not loud enough for the words to be distinguishable, but loud enough to have made the point. If you ask what he said..."nothing" comes back.

It makes me wonder how to describe myself these days. Anger always was an issue and is still an issue. Was the angry daughter of the angry mom, who was the angry daughter of my angry grandfather, Pedro. He was probably born into slavery at the beginning of the 20th century in the Caribbean, because my great-grandmother was supposedly a native Taino indian and guessing that his father was black. Pedro was a smart, tough, man. He worked in the sugar cane fields and ended up being a loan shark of sorts. Not sure about any of this, since my mother would not speak much about him and my aunt said he had died long before that was actually a fact (another angry woman).

Why delve into all this? To give myself an excuse, no way Jose. To give God the glory. I was born to the person He wanted me to be born to. I was not as cruel and unforgiving as my grandfather, nor was my mother. She was the non-dominant one of a set of identical twins. Beautiful face, sweet disposition, when not taken to that angry place, much nicer than her twin sister on many levels. I thank God she (of the two) was my mother.

For 55 years I had absolutely no control over the red emotion (that is how I perceive it) that would engulf me. There is a switch that is tripped when I get angry. I could almost hear the click. The adrenaline and the tears would flow... and the defenses would go up and the intelligence would seep out somewhere. There are probably good scientific explanations for all of that. Don't know. Just know that I hurt people left and right... and felt entitled.

Since I gave my life to God, accepted Jesus as the Son of God and as my Savior, I have felt bits and pieces of the anger fall away. Tiny bits and pieces. Nothing grand scale, but the change has taken place. I still get angry, would be lying if I said any differently. But that huge, all encompassing need to strike out, has gotten so small, that it is almost impossible for me to lift a hand against another human being. At least I hope and pray so. The words however, still get past my lips, more often than I want to admit to.

I thought I was beyond the anger (the big bad one that was accompanied by the desire to strike out physically), but lo and behold, I was taught differently.

I felt led to expand my service in the kingdom by going out in local missions. I spoke it, looking for direction and prayer. I immediately got slammed emotionally and spiritually. Everything and everybody started making me angry and sad. Long story short, I realized that I was being taught something. That I did not get rid of my anger, God graced me with His patience, the Holy Spirit interceded when I needed to be held back, that I was the recipient of His great mercy. Without those things, I was just that angry person all over again. I give Him the glory. He released me from this following a three week fast. I sat in church and heard, "This is not the last battle you will have... but this one is over." Oh, Thank you sweet Jesus. It was a rough tear-filled two months. I had to apologize to people and got in trouble with a pastor at church. But my joy was restored... my peace with my God was back. I could now proceed to the next step and go out into the new ministry.

When you are "in" the world, live by the standards of the world, you will not have His grace and mercy to hold back the spirit of anger. It is a painful spirit. The spirit of love and the spirit of anger do not coexist successfully. I know, I hurt the people I loved.

Fill me with your loving spirit Jesus.