Wow, my heart is exploding. I am over the first shock of an attack on me. It didn't hurt so much when it first happened. Now I am hurting for real.
I now have the struggle of forgiveness. The trauma that will affect the family scares me. I thought that we had finally reached some measure of healing after many years of living with a misunderstanding. I must be compassionate with someone who is bound and determined to believe I am basically a liar, a heartless person, out to make them miserable... family drama by someone who is carrying a lot of pain. Right now I am angry and obliged to remain silent to maintain a semblance of order.
My daughter tells me, it is not about me. It is about the anger and confusion of this person. I get that, and I am so sorry that she is so hurt that she feels justified in striking out. If it were not family, it would be so much easier to deal with. I cannot walk away from family with such ease and grace. There are many people involved. Most would like this to go away. In other words for me to be okay with it. I am okay with the attack, I understand her hurt. But now I have a broken heart too. I have no way to "fix" it. I have to leave it to God.
Father God:
Coming before you with grateful heart for all that You do. Proclaiming that You are the Great I Am, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Creator of all. You are the great Provider, the Healer, the source of all good and perfect love. I bow before your majesty, am humbled by the fact that You sent Your Son, Jesus Christ, to earth to redeem us from our sin.
In His sweet name I ask that you heal this heart and the heart of the person who has struck out against me. She is Your child but has not yet understood that You are love and that is what you expect of us. My prayer is that she find forgiveness in her heart for me and be set free from all that hurts her. I ask that Your will be done in this situation.
I love You so deeply, I trust You completely, and stand on Your promises in this time of hurt, knowing that You will heal me and her and that the family will be united once again.
Thank You blessed Father. In the Holy name of Jesus, Amen and Amen.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Bob Sorge's Visit to My Church
Wow, I was so touched and I believe led to another level of worship and faith on Saturday, August 21, 2010 at 1:00-2:30 pm. Bob Sorge, the author of Exploring Worship did us the immense honor of speaking to our choir on Saturday and our church on Sunday. He does not speak much because of damage to his vocal chords. He writes on a pad to answer/converse/socialize when he is not on the podium. I had the supreme pleasure of being in his company for a few minutes prior to his message to us.
God is so big and so wonderful... and He knows what we need and puts people in our path to help us towards understanding and growth.
I was given the book Exploring Worship some years ago, maybe five or six, don't really remember. As I read it I started highlighting the parts that spoke to me and that I thought I would someday want to read again. In the part where he was talking about the start of the tribe of Judah, I wrote a note "I see myself as a Judahite". Probably not correct terminology, but trying to say that I love praise and worship, that I felt connected to that in a spiritual kind of way. The word Judah means "praise". And I have a passion for it. I love the phrase "born to praise, created to worship". It strikes a deep, rich, resonant chord.
I have always doubted my worthiness to be up on that platform on Sundays. Being passionate about something doesn't mean you are worthy. I asked Bob Sorge to sign my book and showed him what I had written so many years ago, and commented that I was not sure if that was still a complete truth in my life. He looked me in the eyes and wrote on his pad that his message would correct me today. That he would speak to me. I really did not know just what that meant so I smiled and said Okay with a sense of expectancy.
He spoke of so many things, the angels, the prophets, the rocks, the modern day church and its problems. He talked about worshipers and gate keepers. He spoke about what we should be doing, what we do wrong in innocence, out of habit and misunderstanding. He echoed so much of what I believe but cannot put into words and have not come close to accomplishing.
He confirmed some of my basic understandings. I believe God spoke to me long before I knew Him. He protected me long before I accepted Jesus as my savior. My prayers were answered before I was a forgiven sinner, when I shouted out to Him, acknowledging my inability to protect my family and my need of His mercy and grace to save my children and their children.
I came away feeling like I am truly a Judahite, and I should not doubt my love and my passion for praise and worship, I should continue to feel that when I am on that stage I am NOT a leader (which I have never felt to be accurate despite what everyone tells me). When I am up there, I am ministering to my God asking that He minister to those who walked through the doors. I pray for the people in the church, I pray for my family, I pray for everyone I can think of who has a need and shout out their names during that time... but I am talking to my God, I am thanking my God, I am totally His for that time and space. If someone is touched by my worship, hallelujah, that is sweet frosting on the cake of worship.
He explained that gate keepers have two principle duties. One is to make sure nothing unholy touches the holy parts of the church/temple. When we go up to the platform to sing His praises and worship Him, that becomes a holy place. We are inviting His presence into The Sanctuary... Hoping that He finds all that we do pleasing to Him. We cannot expect that He will be there if we are offending Him.
My first reaction to even consider becoming a gate keeper was "fear". Too enormous a responsibility for this humble servant. That would mean judging other people as worthy or unworthy, holy or unholy. What soon became clear to me was that each one of us is a gate keeper, comes with the territory. We should be responsible for making sure that we are not the "unholy" in the holy places. I have the supreme privilege of worshiping Him from a holy place. If my heart is not right, if I do not confess and repent of my sins before climbing up those stairs, I am permitting unholiness onto holy territory. I might be the reason that God does not show up... no matter how wonderfully, energetically, and sincerely I sing His praises and worship Him. It is as clashing cymbals to him... and I can see Him turning His face away.
I cannot go up there anymore unless I have confessed and repented. I know that so truly and deeply now. I am thinking I may find myself unable to go on stage one of these days. I usually ask God to find our humble offering of praise and worship pleasing to His ears and not as clashing cymbals when I go up there. It will mean more than ever from now on.
It also means that I can shed my fears about what people think of my form of praise and worship. I can look deeper into what I am truly supposed to be doing to fulfill His will no matter what happens to me, just as Bob Sorge is doing. I can feel more and more of His joy and openly share that will every person God puts in my path.
Oh, thank you Bob Sorge. Thank you my Abba Father. S'agapo poli Xristo.
In the end, it is always about love.
God is so big and so wonderful... and He knows what we need and puts people in our path to help us towards understanding and growth.
I was given the book Exploring Worship some years ago, maybe five or six, don't really remember. As I read it I started highlighting the parts that spoke to me and that I thought I would someday want to read again. In the part where he was talking about the start of the tribe of Judah, I wrote a note "I see myself as a Judahite". Probably not correct terminology, but trying to say that I love praise and worship, that I felt connected to that in a spiritual kind of way. The word Judah means "praise". And I have a passion for it. I love the phrase "born to praise, created to worship". It strikes a deep, rich, resonant chord.
I have always doubted my worthiness to be up on that platform on Sundays. Being passionate about something doesn't mean you are worthy. I asked Bob Sorge to sign my book and showed him what I had written so many years ago, and commented that I was not sure if that was still a complete truth in my life. He looked me in the eyes and wrote on his pad that his message would correct me today. That he would speak to me. I really did not know just what that meant so I smiled and said Okay with a sense of expectancy.
He spoke of so many things, the angels, the prophets, the rocks, the modern day church and its problems. He talked about worshipers and gate keepers. He spoke about what we should be doing, what we do wrong in innocence, out of habit and misunderstanding. He echoed so much of what I believe but cannot put into words and have not come close to accomplishing.
He confirmed some of my basic understandings. I believe God spoke to me long before I knew Him. He protected me long before I accepted Jesus as my savior. My prayers were answered before I was a forgiven sinner, when I shouted out to Him, acknowledging my inability to protect my family and my need of His mercy and grace to save my children and their children.
I came away feeling like I am truly a Judahite, and I should not doubt my love and my passion for praise and worship, I should continue to feel that when I am on that stage I am NOT a leader (which I have never felt to be accurate despite what everyone tells me). When I am up there, I am ministering to my God asking that He minister to those who walked through the doors. I pray for the people in the church, I pray for my family, I pray for everyone I can think of who has a need and shout out their names during that time... but I am talking to my God, I am thanking my God, I am totally His for that time and space. If someone is touched by my worship, hallelujah, that is sweet frosting on the cake of worship.
He explained that gate keepers have two principle duties. One is to make sure nothing unholy touches the holy parts of the church/temple. When we go up to the platform to sing His praises and worship Him, that becomes a holy place. We are inviting His presence into The Sanctuary... Hoping that He finds all that we do pleasing to Him. We cannot expect that He will be there if we are offending Him.
My first reaction to even consider becoming a gate keeper was "fear". Too enormous a responsibility for this humble servant. That would mean judging other people as worthy or unworthy, holy or unholy. What soon became clear to me was that each one of us is a gate keeper, comes with the territory. We should be responsible for making sure that we are not the "unholy" in the holy places. I have the supreme privilege of worshiping Him from a holy place. If my heart is not right, if I do not confess and repent of my sins before climbing up those stairs, I am permitting unholiness onto holy territory. I might be the reason that God does not show up... no matter how wonderfully, energetically, and sincerely I sing His praises and worship Him. It is as clashing cymbals to him... and I can see Him turning His face away.
I cannot go up there anymore unless I have confessed and repented. I know that so truly and deeply now. I am thinking I may find myself unable to go on stage one of these days. I usually ask God to find our humble offering of praise and worship pleasing to His ears and not as clashing cymbals when I go up there. It will mean more than ever from now on.
It also means that I can shed my fears about what people think of my form of praise and worship. I can look deeper into what I am truly supposed to be doing to fulfill His will no matter what happens to me, just as Bob Sorge is doing. I can feel more and more of His joy and openly share that will every person God puts in my path.
Oh, thank you Bob Sorge. Thank you my Abba Father. S'agapo poli Xristo.
In the end, it is always about love.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Politics and God
I read a political commentary that started me thinking. It stated that we need another amendment... making the politicians, particularly the senators and representatives, equal to "regular citizens". No special privileges that puts them above the "commoners". They want to eliminate the exceptions that protect them from legal prosecution from certain crimes, permits them to retire with full salaries, and the privilege of exemption from certain laws that are applied to most citizens. They are considered an "elite" class, above the law, in a sense.
I do not know if all of this is true, but I'm guessing some of it is. Abuse of the law by politicians is way too common in most civilized countries. It is the result of greed, excess of power, the love of money, lack of moral integrity... and little or no belief in God.
Hopefully, if we love God and want to please Him, we try not break the law or abuse what is not ours. This does not seem to be very prevalent or even acceptable in the political circles that run our countries in these last two centuries.
As a country, as we back away from God, the government seems to be increasingly ineffective. The economy is weak, the national debt in the trillions, and the places we are at war with increasing in number. Since I was a teen, I cannot remember a time of peace, my first memory of war being the Vietnam War. America and Americans are hated in so many places.
Things may not change since that may not be God's plan... especially if that plan has to do with acknowledging our Creator as the king of kings, accepting Christ as our savior, repentance, forgiveness, obedience, and love being prevalent prior to the healing of our country.
It is clear that I must pray for the healing of our country while being a good Christian citizen, and loving my neighbor.
It always comes back to love.
I do not know if all of this is true, but I'm guessing some of it is. Abuse of the law by politicians is way too common in most civilized countries. It is the result of greed, excess of power, the love of money, lack of moral integrity... and little or no belief in God.
Hopefully, if we love God and want to please Him, we try not break the law or abuse what is not ours. This does not seem to be very prevalent or even acceptable in the political circles that run our countries in these last two centuries.
As a country, as we back away from God, the government seems to be increasingly ineffective. The economy is weak, the national debt in the trillions, and the places we are at war with increasing in number. Since I was a teen, I cannot remember a time of peace, my first memory of war being the Vietnam War. America and Americans are hated in so many places.
Things may not change since that may not be God's plan... especially if that plan has to do with acknowledging our Creator as the king of kings, accepting Christ as our savior, repentance, forgiveness, obedience, and love being prevalent prior to the healing of our country.
It is clear that I must pray for the healing of our country while being a good Christian citizen, and loving my neighbor.
It always comes back to love.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Conviction, Guilt, Condemnation
The good the bad and the ugly are fighting to have control today. I am so upset because something I gave into is like a pebble being tossed into a pond. Ripples are visible and I cannot take back what I started. I am repentant, but I have already affected other lives. I am paying a price for not being obedient. There is no condemnation for those who are redeemed, but, man, it feels real bad. The conviction took a while, but the guilt took seconds.
I needed a biblical word and this is where I was led. Thank you Holy Spirit.
Off to be obedient. Again it is all about love. Thank you Father.
I needed a biblical word and this is where I was led. Thank you Holy Spirit.
Psalm 51:1-17His love is so great, He is so good, He is so constant and faithful that in the times of David and in this millennium, all we need to do is confess, repent, and praise Him to obtain forgiveness.
1HAVE MERCY upon me, O God, according to Your steadfast love; according to the multitude of Your tender mercy and loving-kindness blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me thoroughly [and repeatedly] from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin!
3For I am conscious of my transgressions and I acknowledge them; my sin is ever before me.
4Against You, You only, have I sinned and done that which is evil in Your sight, so that You are justified in Your sentence and faultless in Your judgment.(A)
5Behold, I was brought forth in [a state of] iniquity; my mother was sinful who conceived me [and I too am sinful].(B)
6Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart.
7Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean [ceremonially]; wash me, and I shall [in reality] be whiter than snow.
8Make me to hear joy and gladness and be satisfied; let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
9Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my guilt and iniquities.
10Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me.
11Cast me not away from Your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
12Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.
13Then will I teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners shall be converted and return to You.
14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness and death, O God, the God of my salvation, and my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness (Your rightness and Your justice).
15O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
16For You delight not in sacrifice, or else would I give it; You find no pleasure in burnt offering.(C)
17My sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise.
Off to be obedient. Again it is all about love. Thank you Father.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Judge not... lest ye be judged
I've found that many of my friends, people who love me, don't really accept me and my christian principles. If I do not do things perfectly, the question is "and you call yourself a Christian?" Yup, I call myself a Christian because I am born again and I am in a daily struggle to let God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit transform my mind, spirit, and soul.
What I do and accomplish does not make me a Christian, it is what God does in me, what Jesus died for that makes me a Christian. I have no righteousness to boast of... God sees me through the righteousness of Jesus, the Lamb who was slain for my sins. I am but a sinner. Forgiven and redeemed. I ask for His guidance, confess my sins, ask His forgiveness, thank Him for His grace and mercy, hope that I am a light to some, sing His praises, and worship Him to the best of my limited ability. Only He knows how much I believe in Him, how much I love Him, and how much I depend on Him. No one else knows.
I heard Joyce Meyers say that only someone who knows all the facts is qualified to make a judgment. The only one who knows every thought and every action we ever made, and all the good things and bad things that happened to us throughout our lifetime is God. Only He is qualified to judge us. These, of course, are not her exact words, but you get the idea.
Many of our actions, decisions, and reactions are based on things that happened to us as children, as teens, and as adults. My children think they know me, my mother thought she knew me, my husband does too. But no one really knows everything that has influenced me in my lifetime. I probably don't remember a lot of it myself. In all truthfulness, I cannot explain why I have many of my faults and annoying qualities. Why am I sometimes loving, caring, compassionate and kind and other times sarcastic, suspicious, or unkind in thought, word, or deed.
I guess I can't expect others to understand what I do not always understand. I can, however, hope that they not judge my imperfect actions and thoughts and find me lacking as a christian, a disciple of Christ, a child of God. I can hope they love me with a forgiving and Christ-like love.
I pray that I always be led to follow:
It always comes back to love.
What I do and accomplish does not make me a Christian, it is what God does in me, what Jesus died for that makes me a Christian. I have no righteousness to boast of... God sees me through the righteousness of Jesus, the Lamb who was slain for my sins. I am but a sinner. Forgiven and redeemed. I ask for His guidance, confess my sins, ask His forgiveness, thank Him for His grace and mercy, hope that I am a light to some, sing His praises, and worship Him to the best of my limited ability. Only He knows how much I believe in Him, how much I love Him, and how much I depend on Him. No one else knows.
I heard Joyce Meyers say that only someone who knows all the facts is qualified to make a judgment. The only one who knows every thought and every action we ever made, and all the good things and bad things that happened to us throughout our lifetime is God. Only He is qualified to judge us. These, of course, are not her exact words, but you get the idea.
Many of our actions, decisions, and reactions are based on things that happened to us as children, as teens, and as adults. My children think they know me, my mother thought she knew me, my husband does too. But no one really knows everything that has influenced me in my lifetime. I probably don't remember a lot of it myself. In all truthfulness, I cannot explain why I have many of my faults and annoying qualities. Why am I sometimes loving, caring, compassionate and kind and other times sarcastic, suspicious, or unkind in thought, word, or deed.
I guess I can't expect others to understand what I do not always understand. I can, however, hope that they not judge my imperfect actions and thoughts and find me lacking as a christian, a disciple of Christ, a child of God. I can hope they love me with a forgiving and Christ-like love.
I pray that I always be led to follow:
Matthew 7 (amp)
1DO NOT judge and criticize and condemn others, so that you may not be judged and criticized and condemned yourselves.
It always comes back to love.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Speaking the whole truth
There is only one "truth" if you are a Christ follower. But that is just so hard to apply to the world we live in.
Anyone can ask us a question, we must decide if, and what, we want to answer. We are not under an obligation to answer with the facts they are requesting. We are obliged by common courtesy/politeness to make a reply of some sort though. The one thing that is very clear is that we must not lie.
I've been asked questions I am not comfortable answering "truthfully". Sometimes, it is because I know the answer but it was given to me in confidence that I would not repeat it. Other times I know I will come under attack if I give the information. Other times it just seems useless because the person is not in a place to receive the truth, as I perceive it, and not be hurt.
So, if I love my neighbor as myself, do I hand out the truth, as I perceive it, despite all possible subsequent consequences? If I am not telling the complete truth, as I perceive it, am I really telling a lie? Some would perceive that by not speaking the whole truth, one is actually telling a lie. Telling a lie is an abomination before God.
The other side of the coin that comes to my mind is:
Avoid unnecessary strife, do not be unkind, do not force confrontation into other people's lives.
We only have control of what we feel and do about information that comes to us. We have no control over other people's feelings. When we pour information into others we are affecting their lives. Perhaps in a very small way, but it could however have an immense impact. It could be like dropping a pebble into a pool, creating ripples that reach far out into others lives.
I am putting this into prayer, asking to be given wisdom in speaking to others... to be judicious, discerning, and compassionate when answering the tough questions. It once again boils down to love. May His love be apparent in my life and words.
Anyone can ask us a question, we must decide if, and what, we want to answer. We are not under an obligation to answer with the facts they are requesting. We are obliged by common courtesy/politeness to make a reply of some sort though. The one thing that is very clear is that we must not lie.
I've been asked questions I am not comfortable answering "truthfully". Sometimes, it is because I know the answer but it was given to me in confidence that I would not repeat it. Other times I know I will come under attack if I give the information. Other times it just seems useless because the person is not in a place to receive the truth, as I perceive it, and not be hurt.
So, if I love my neighbor as myself, do I hand out the truth, as I perceive it, despite all possible subsequent consequences? If I am not telling the complete truth, as I perceive it, am I really telling a lie? Some would perceive that by not speaking the whole truth, one is actually telling a lie. Telling a lie is an abomination before God.
The other side of the coin that comes to my mind is:
Romans 12:18
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Avoid unnecessary strife, do not be unkind, do not force confrontation into other people's lives.
We only have control of what we feel and do about information that comes to us. We have no control over other people's feelings. When we pour information into others we are affecting their lives. Perhaps in a very small way, but it could however have an immense impact. It could be like dropping a pebble into a pool, creating ripples that reach far out into others lives.
I am putting this into prayer, asking to be given wisdom in speaking to others... to be judicious, discerning, and compassionate when answering the tough questions. It once again boils down to love. May His love be apparent in my life and words.
Monday, May 17, 2010
How big is my God?
I was sitting on the edge of the bed and just thinking random thoughts. It turned to God, as it often does. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about how we measure all things by what we know. On a certain level, I understand the universe is bigger than our galaxy. I understand that the earth is not the largest planet in our galaxy. The continent that I live on is not the largest. The island in the Caribbean I was born on is a mere 100 by 45 aeronautical miles. Miniscule in the scheme of things. If the island is that tiny, I by comparison am barely existent. A mere 5 foot 2 inches tall by 23 inches wide (46 inches in circumference). I already used the word miniscule... so I must need another word to describe my tininess in the scheme of things. Infinitesimal?
My wandering mind remembered that it is said that the waters of the earth fit in the palm of His hand. That would make the Caribbean a microscopic dot. He is so big, bigger than my mind can perceive... what is the opposite of infinitesimal? According to Google, I probably know or am familiar with about a 100,000 words and their different meanings by being fluent in the English and in the Spanish languages. Let's say for argument's sake I can use 10,000 words. Honestly, the closest I can come to describing God's bigness is - omnipresent. I humbly admit, that I'm not even sure what that means, so basically, I remain wordless.
I said all that because, as I contemplated His bigness and my insignificant, invisible size, I realized... He listens to me. I am not worthy.
Now I have to try to get a grasp on how big is His love.
My wandering mind remembered that it is said that the waters of the earth fit in the palm of His hand. That would make the Caribbean a microscopic dot. He is so big, bigger than my mind can perceive... what is the opposite of infinitesimal? According to Google, I probably know or am familiar with about a 100,000 words and their different meanings by being fluent in the English and in the Spanish languages. Let's say for argument's sake I can use 10,000 words. Honestly, the closest I can come to describing God's bigness is - omnipresent. I humbly admit, that I'm not even sure what that means, so basically, I remain wordless.
I said all that because, as I contemplated His bigness and my insignificant, invisible size, I realized... He listens to me. I am not worthy.
Now I have to try to get a grasp on how big is His love.
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